School is back in session!

Ready... change!!

My oldest daughter Caitlyn started 3rd grade this past Monday! She was so excited I don't think she slept at all the night before. I love watching her as she is jumping around wanting everything to be perfect for her first day as a 3rd grader. Of course you know as well as I do (according to Caitlyn) that 3rd graders are just SO much more mature than little 2nd graders. Haha.

Ahh the memories to be that age again with no cares in the world other than who you were sitting with at lunch and what games you would play at recess. I love that she loves school and looks forward to it each day.

My little helper is gone! She was so great playing and helping with the younger kids, that I miss Caitlyn even more when she's at school during the day! They miss her too, and show it! Each and every day when she gets off the school bus and walks through the front door they scream "Caitlyn's home! Caitlyn's home!!" and attack her with hugs and kisses. It melts my heart each and every time... and hope the day never comes when they don't want to do that anymore.

I haven't posted much lately because I haven't had much to say. Sure drama here and there but nothing I care enough to post about. Just the kind that you let in one ear and out the other. We are trying to get on a new routine here without Caitlyn, and get Peyton on a settled routine. It is slowly but surely coming along. Once a routine in set in place I can get back to exercising again and I cant wait for that!

So my thoughts are still random and jumbled at the moment, but stick around and you will find more great blogs coming your way!

Where have all my thoughts gone??

I have SO much on my mind lately, the words are swirling around in my head like you see on the cartoons. My ideas are there... but getting them out is becoming increasingly difficult these past few days. Nothing sounds right. Nothing flows the way I want it to. Writers block? Nah... I've got more than enough to say to fill a few pages!! What's my problem?

Sure... I write, put it down, take care of the kids, get them situated, then return and write some more. I am used to this part... just pick up where I left off... but the words aren't coming out. Not the way I want them to at least. So I sit... and write... and then save it to draft.

Irritating!! I want these things out, in the open. I blog to get them off my chest... yet they stick to me like glue because the words just won't form into sentences. These feelings, this anger and frustration, it keeps building and building. If I don't find a way to get it out I am going to blow... and everyone knows how horrible that would be!

I am frustrated at many things... at people, at things. For some reason, I can't just let things slide right now. There is a couple here that drives me insane with their inability to care for or discipline their children. It bothers me beyond belief that they are always taking things from us without asking, using our diapers, formula, bottles, when we are in no better position than they are. They are moving Friday... so why can't I just drop it? I will never see them again, yet they irritate me so much I want to scream.

Letting other peoples actions get to me... that's another frustration currently. Why should I care what others do? Why should I care that they are screwing up their children? Because, I just do!! Because the children deserve better... and they are growing up as little hellions... all because a lack of discipline, or rather desire to teach and correct their ways. Lazy parenting is creating mean, anger filled children... and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It frustrates me that I can't do anything about this!

Being a last resort for some people... that bothers me as well. My sister (when we were speaking) would call me everyday, but only when her best friend wasn't available to talk to first. When no one else had time for her, she came to me. I hated knowing that... knowing I was her last resort. I have friends like that which I have downgraded to acquaintances for just that reason. I shouldn't have to be some one's last resort for friendship, for conversation, for companionship. I won't be.

Okay... so as jumbled, as random as that all was... that's what is currently on my mind. A little crazy, yes, a little out there and mixed together. But those are my true and honest feelings at the moment. Things probably don't make much sense... but it feels better to let it all out. Nothing flowing properly, just jumping from one thought to the next, the chaos in my mind is finally set free.

Wake Up Call...

Friday was a bit of an irritating day for me. I just wasn't on my game... pretty much woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I let everything bother me and I hated letting things get to me like that. The kids were being loud and Caitlyn just wouldn't stop with her constant questioning of everything.

We went to visit David, bring him lunch at work, and let him show off our new addition to his co-workers. It was a break in our normal routine, so of course the kids were going to be a bit off schedule. David works on the far side of Houston so it was a bit of a drive, and then started pouring down rain which made things worse. Accidents were here and there, huge puddles all over, and construction on various parts of the freeway. The drive there wasn't as bad as the drive home... it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get home! I was beyond irritated by then, but trying my best to get in a relaxed mood for the kids.

They wouldn't settle down which in return didn't give me much of a chance to settle down myself. We had to make a run to the grocery store when David got home, and by that time my nerves were frazzled to say the least. Diaper bag packed, we were on our way. Though the store is only two miles away, Caitlyn just wouldn't quit with the questions... again.

As I asked her kindly... again... to stop, I felt myself growing more frustrated. This was not going to be a good grocery store trip like this. Not a second later David leans over and whispers into my ear. "I know you have had a rough day... but you need to remember something. You are teaching her how to be a parent. Everything you say to her right now, that is how she learns how to parent her own children someday."

His words struck me. Oh my goodness... I felt low! I felt horrible. What am I teaching her? That Mommy is having a bad day and that allows Mommy to yell and be angry over tiny little things like repeat questions? No. I want better for her. I want her to know patience. My patience is rather thin at times, and I want more for my kids.

Everything I do... everything I say... is showing my children how to act with their own families. He said, we are not teaching them to be kids, we are teaching them how to be adults. They already have the kid thing down. Wow. How did my husband get so smart? He always was of course, but in times like these all I can say is WOW!

I am going to do better. I am going to have more patience... read that story one more time though we have already finished it three times in a row... put down the dishes to sit and color with them... and let them play just a bit longer in the bath tub. Putting off the dishes, laundry, or vacuuming might bother you at that moment... but in years to come you will thank yourself. They only stay little for a few years. They only want your attention for a few years. Soon, you will be the ones chasing after them for attention.

Cherish each and every moment you have with your children. Play with them, read, act goofy, and most importantly, love them unconditionally.

So Sad...

Around 4pm local Houston time, a close friend of mine witnessed a horrible tradegy today. This friend of mine works security at a hospital in Cypress, Texas. Patrolling the parking lot on a routine patrol, he came across that of a lifeless young boy trapped in a vehicle. Immediately he rescued the boy from the scorching hot car and performed CPR. His attempt to save a life did not work, the boy had already been dead too long. An innocent 3 year old boy's life was taken today because of the ignorance of his mother.

I do NOT understand how on earth you can leave your child in a vehicle all day long!!! It just doesn't register with me!! The rare times I am without my children I still, out of habit check for them! It just seems like common sense to me. How do you just forget your 3 year old in the backseat on your way to work? You're supposed to drop him off at daycare... which I am assuming is a habit. How do you forget that?? This child has been your responsibility for THREE YEARS... and you can forget him in your vehicle for a 9 hour shift at the hospital... I don't get it!!

Three year olds are not quiet whatsoever... my boy just turned 4 last month and talks non stop. There is no way on earth anyone could even pretend he is not in the room, he just commands attention. How do you not notice him in the rear view mirror? I'm sure he was in a carseat... strapped in... no way to get out. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it!!!

My friend won't forget today for as long as he lives, I am sure of it. The mother hopefully won't either.

PEOPLE... CHECK TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS IN THE CAR WHEN YOU GET OUT... NOT CHILDREN... NOT ANIMALS... NOT A SINGLE LIVING THING!!!!!!!

Seriously... WHY??

Why do people who have NO intention of taking care of their children themselves, continue to have children?? I had children to... get this... take care of them... just me and my husband!! Why would you do otherwise? No, I am not opposed to ever dropping your children off with family or friends on occasion, for a date, or an important event. But... to drop your kids off just because you don't feel like dealing with them that day?? That is ridiculous!

That is not the way parenting works. I was raised by my parents... not my grandparents, aunts, uncles, or anyone else. My mom and dad CHOSE to have me, making it their responsibility to raise me. The same goes for me and my family. Together, David and I chose to have children and start a family.

There are definitely days where I would love to stay in bed, be lazy, have nothing to do. Well guess what... too bad. I made the life changing choice to have my four children, and there's no going back. Sorry... all sales are final and refunds will not be accepted!! I gave up all rights to be lazy, to be selfish, to have my needs come first the minute that plus sign appeared on the pregnancy test.

Children are not dogs... you can not just take care of them when its convenient for you then put them outside or in a cage when you are tired. If you aren't sure you can handle a baby... get a dog instead. Consider a dog if you only want a part time child, as you don't always have to deal with them.

How do you think your children are going to react to always being dumped on others to deal with? It will just continue on... they will do the same things when they are older... taking any reason to dump their children off on you. Do people not realize what they are doing to their children in all of this? Those kids will pick up on the fact that the majority of the time they are nothing more than a burden on their parents. What a way to make them feel. Start them out right, that's for sure!

How does this help in bonding and building a relationship with your child? These precious first few years with your children are the foundation on which your entire relationship will be built upon. If you ruin the foundation... the house will fall.

I could rant and rave about this issue forever, but what it comes down to are the poor innocent children. They are the ones suffering for your laziness, for your selfishness. All these children need are some people to give them love and attention... if you aren't willing to do that, then don't have them in the first place.

So come on people... get over yourself. I am beyond tired too... there are days (like yesterday!) where I feel like I am going insane, where the kids are being difficult, and trying my last bit of patience. Work through it! Do it now and you will thank yourself later!

Kids and Food...

What do you do when your child doesn't want to eat what you made for dinner? Usually, I don't make things the kids don't enjoy. Then again, my kids eat really well compared to other kids I've come across. When David and I want to eat something we know the kids won't, we are more inclined to make a seperate meal for them to enjoy. By this I mean the meal would be too spicy, or something more adult oriented. Kids just don't really care for a bowl of chili.

Last night we had meatloaf. We haven't fixed meatloaf in forever, and I think the way David makes it is just like our hamburgers. Caitlyn, for some reason started in on her drama queen routine the second she found out it was meatloaf. At 8 years old, she is very persuaded by family, tv, and friends... mostly friends. This is a difficult age, a time where she is discovering herself... but all I see is her trying to be like her friend. Whenever this certain friend comes over the drama queen routine kicks into full gear. Is this where the meatloaf hatred came in??

We all sat down to dinner and Caitlyn started making faces, eating everything but her meatloaf, pretending she was going to throw up, all causing her brother to want to do the same. We quickly corrected him, and attempted to do the same with her. Wyatt finished his dinner in no time, as did Baylee... Caitlyn chose to not eat and spend the rest of the night in her room. We told her this did not mean she didn't have to finish it, her meatloaf would be waiting for her come breakfast.

She must have thought we weren't serious, as she spent from 7:30 to 9 this morning, making excuses, pretending she was eating it, crying, anything she could to get out of eating this meatloaf. By this time I was beyond frustrated with her and told her to go back to her room. I made sure she knew that at lunch it would still be there. What am I going to do? I can't just let her think she doesn't have to eat it. I can't let her think that if she puts up enough of a fight, and causes enough drama that she will get out of it. Life just doesn't work that way. She is clearly just acting spoiled in my opinion. She says "I'm hungry". So I tell her to eat the meatloaf. "Well I'm not hungry for that." Well sorry sweetie, you're just not hungry then. I explain to her that there are many children out there who have little to nothing to eat and would gladly eat her meatloaf if given the chance. Still, she just wants "something else".

What do you do when your children won't eat what's been put in front of them? Her drama queen antics have got to stop, she never acted this way before, it sure as hell isn't gonna start at 8 years old! Sound off in the comments... let me know what helps your kids eat something they don't particularly enjoy! I probably won't make her eat it again after she finishes this ONE slice, but seriously... it can't be THAT bad.

You have THAT many??

Yep... thats right... I have FOUR children. Sorry I broke the mold. So sorry I didn't stop at two. Children are a gift from God... So I guess I did something right to be blessed with four, rather than the average of two! Lucky woman I am!

So when you see me in the grocery store, my hands full, two carts in tow, the two babies in one cart, two older ones following me, don't you dare shake your head. Do NOT pity me. Do NOT assume I am on government assistance and cannot take care of my children on my own. Don't think to yourself that I am too young to have four children, because I am not.

Yes, my hands are full. My life is full... and that is how I like it!! If you were to step foot in my door right now you would find four very happy, very healthy, very clean, very well-mannered children to greet you. Toys on the ground... of course! Dishes in the sink... maybe a few. I bet my house isn't the only house like this, even those with the "norm" 2 children have these same things in their homes. The only difference is my table may be a bit more full than yours... my piles of laundry a bit larger... more dishes to get done at each meal... more baths to give every night. I may not get time to myself, but I work around that.

That stuff doesn't matter though, because I also get more in return. I get four times the hugs, and four times the kisses. I am lucky enough to experience four times their first words, four times their first steps, four times their first night in a big kid bed, four times their first day of school.

My life wouldn't be complete if I didn't have each and every single one of my four children. So the next time you are out and see a family with more than two children, don't feel sorry for them. Know that they are happy.

Advice... Venting...

So this is my vent about people and their vents. No, it's not that I get irritated with people letting their feelings out, and venting the things that are bothering them, that is completely understandable. What irks me is when people are wanting advice on a situation, they are venting their anger and frustrations, and hoping people on the outside can give them some sort of help... yet when they do get advice it is completely ignored. Why bother asking for advice in the first place?

Seriously, if you just want to shout and be angry, without anyone offering their advice... SAY SO! Otherwise you are wasting everyones time, as well as their feelings. I am a very emotional based person, always taking on the feelings of others. When a friend is sad, or going through a rough situation, I am sad right along with them. Also, I am there to offer support, give my take on their situation and speak from an outsiders perspective.

People seem to want to talk about their problems, but never seem to want to be proactive in solving their problems. Do they just thrive off the stress and drama? I know personally, I am a much happier person when my life is drama free and smooth. It's never fun to be in a tough spot emotionally, financially, or physically. Others don't like seeing it either and want to help. When advice is just thrown out the window and the next week the same situation is brought up in a new scenario, I get angry. In my mind why should I take the time to care about this person, offer support and guidance, for it just to be brushed off again? It's not worth it. They aren't willing to listen. To listen would mean to take action and DO something to prevent the situation from happening repeatedly... but doing something means CHANGE. People are afraid of change.

Let me ask you this... if you had a boyfriend, husband, someone who was causing you mental stress or harm in any kind of capacity... would you let them continue treating you in the same manner time and time again? Or... would you do something to remove yourself from said situation? If you had a longtime friend who only wanted to be friends when it was convenient for them... constantly causing you heartache knowing you must not matter enough to keep in touch with... would you continue being their friend?

I don't like being a doormat, so that said, I would remove myself from both situations. Nowhere am I saying you need to just shut the door and not even try to mend these relationships... but, if they even need to be mended, something is obviously broken.

Can you last in a relationship without trust? I know I wouldn't be able to! Constantly questioning your partner's every move... wondering what they are really up to as they tell you a lie to cover it up. Here's the thing about lies... the truth will ALWAYS come out!! When it does, it hurts much more than if you were to just be upfront and honest, whether it caused an issue or not. Because, now the person you lied to has to deal with the initial issue along with the fact that you LIED to them. What's the point in lying in the first place unless you have something to hide?

I can go on forever with this subject, so I will leave it at that. My point in all of this is if you are seeking advice from people, take it. If you have no intention of doing anything about your situation but just want to gripe and have a pity party, say it in the beginning so I don't go wasting my time trying to help you out.

Why I do what I do...

Life didn't always used to be this way... I actually was a working mother. When Caitlyn was 6 weeks old I returned to work, but back then it was all up to me to bring home to bacon. I was also working when I met and married David as well... up until we moved to Camp Pendleton actually. The commute was just too much for me and I quit the job that I had in Orange County (over an hour drive each way!!!). We tried making it on his paychecks and it was impossible, so through a temp agency I returned to work. Caitlyn stayed with my next door neighbor for a really reasonable price and had kids to play with.

The transfer and move to Parris Island, South Carolina is what sparked a change. It was a whole new world out on the east coast, compared to growing up in Southern California. I tried to get work but the pay was horrible and it wasn't worth it. So that started the whole stay at home thing. It was nice being able to take Caitlyn out to the park, over to friend's houses and be carefree all day long. Then Wyatt came along and added to the fun.

In 2005 when we moved to Elk Grove, California (just outside Sacramento) things were rough. I absolutely had to find work. David was the maintenance tech at our apartments, but they still wouldn't give him a break on the rent we owed each month. It was ridiculous, but at the time it was the only place we had. So I went to work. Each and every day I cried as I drove myself 45 minutes to work, went about my day as best I could, and hurried home each evening. I would almost run from the building to my car, and drive as fast as I could to the babysitters house to pick up my kids.

Little by little we noticed the babysitter was a bit "off", she was becoming very possessive over Wyatt and rather grouchy and snappy at Caitlyn. At this point Wyatt was 18 months old, Caitlyn just a few months shy of 6 years. She was open about everything they did during the time at the sitters house, and a few things we just didn't enjoy hearing about. No, nothing BAD, just things that make you a bit uncomfortable. One day as David dropped the kids off, she noticed we gave Wyatt his first haircut and had the nerve to YELL at my husband for it. Hello... seriously?!? She just was getting too attached and treating him like he was hers. That, along with being mean to Caitlyn, and the fact that I became really ill... I quit my job to once again raise my children myself.

I just don't trust anyone else. I am NOT bashing anyone who works and has their children in daycare... because there are MANY, many great babysitters and daycare providers out there!! I used to be a working mother, and for awhile it was great for us. But now... for me, I am just too paranoid. The illness happened to be the fact that I was pregnant with Baylee! So we sat down and calculated things... no matter if I went to work or not we just wouldn't be able to afford daycare for 3 children. So it was decided I would stay home and care for them myself.

Do we struggle? Of course! But going to work wouldn't make our situation any better. I would be sick all the time again, and go crazy missing my children. And here's the kicker... I would be working just to afford the cost of daycare on now 4 children! The things that the old babysitter put us through has me freaked out to even leave my children in someone else's care that is not a close friend or family member. Unfortunately I have little trust in others when it comes to my children... my husband is the same way.

So crazy days or lazy days... I am in it 100% as long as I get to be with my children each and everyday I am a happy woman. They are what makes life worth living.

Exhaustion Sets In...

My youngest child, Peyton is currently 2 months old. She is the last of four babies. I want to cherish every moment with her, yet I want my sleep as well. Aside from Peyton there are three other children needing me. So when I don't get sleep I don't make for the happiest person on earth. Usually Peyton will sleep really well at night, a few times even sleeping all night. Last night was horrible.

Every single time she fell asleep and I put her in the bassinet she would wake minutes later screaming her head off. I could tell she was in pain, but nothing I did worked for her. We were up till she finally nodded off at 2:30 this morning!! I was lucky enough to wake at 5:45 when my husband's alarm clock went off. Wow... a whole 3 hours of sleep in me and I was up again!! I managed to feed her a bit and get her back to sleep until around 7. Another hour of sleep in me, yet this time I absolutely had to get up as the other children were awake as well.

I felt like a zombie as I picked myself up from the bed, trying not to look at the cozy spot I was nestled into. The kids needed me, plain and simple, and Peyton had woken up yet again. We trekked downstairs to start our day. Auto-pilot on, I went straight to the coffee pot. Cereal bowls passed out, bananas cut, another bottle made... drip... drip... come on coffee!!! Peyton wasn't about to let me put her down, and in the mood I was in, I wasn't ready to listen to her scream either. Our morning routine went on, one handed.

Today I am suffering from severe exhaustion... I feel like if I were given the chance I could sleep a week straight. At this point I actually wonder what it's like to get a full night of sleep, and not have to be up at the crack of dawn with a child in my face. There's nothing like waking from a peaceful dream to the sound of your four year old yelling "I'm aaaawaaaakeeee!!!!" Because, of course everyone needs to be awake if Wyatt is awake. How dare you want to sleep when you are in the presence of the great Wyatt Ashton! Shame on you!

David was asked to help a friend out tonight, so instead of trying to nap when the children do, I get to clean! Yay for me! So in a few hours they are coming over and bringing their two adorable children to hang out. At least I get some adult interaction while the kids play. Their Sophie is almost 7, and Sullivan is I think 8 or 9 months... forgive me for not remembering as it's difficult to remember everything about my own children at this point! Haha... totally kidding. This said as my rambunctious Baylee Rose runs in squealing at the top of her lungs, wanting attention.

A nap is not in the picture today... so I will fill up my cup yet again and get on with my day!

Lost...

My life revolves around my four children and my husband. Everything I do is for and about them. This year makes 9 years since I have been a Mom... my Caitlyn is turning 9 in November!!! Yet somewhere along the journey I have seemed to have lost myself. Who am I anymore without my children and husband around? I honestly have NO clue anymore. So, currently I am on a journey to try to find the me that is within.

I know what I enjoy... but there is really never a chance to break away to have time for myself. The odd thing about that is I don't like to be alone... ever! I don't have many people I enjoy being around here in this town, so going out with friends isn't an option either. So what do I do with that? For now I blog!

I blog to vent, to escape, to save my sanity! My connection to me, the me that can't always be SuperMom... the me that occasionally needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I adore my life, my children, my husband. I hate being without them, yet sometimes I just need a few moments to take a breath and watch the clouds roll by.

Back in the day I used to be so outgoing, so full of life, witty, strong, ready for anything, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. Those characteristics are still within me... they just need to be let loose once again. I feel like I am different than most other people my age. Unlike many other 20-somethings, I got married when I was only 20 years old, and have had 4 children. My life isn't about parties, clubs and staying out drinking all night... it has turned into 3am feedings, diaper changes, kiddie movies, watching what I say, being exhausted by 10pm, and living on coffee.

A little lost right now... I am working my way towards finding myself once again. I feel that once we get a better grip on things and move away from the black hole that is Houston, things will start picking up once again. Mommy needs girlfriends to hang out with... not just over the phone, internet, and text either! Bear with me as my journey begins...

History

A little history...

Most of my 27 years was spent living in Anaheim, California... what I often refer to as part of the "bubble" that is Orange County. I lived a very sheltered, naive life. My teenage years were spent at Knotts Berry Farm, Disneyland, the beach, and of course, the mall. I thought I knew everything in life as most teenagers do, yet had no plans for my future. All that changed when I gave birth to my first child, Caitlyn Noel, at the ripe age of 18 in November 1999.

Thankfully I had the support of my parents and still lived at home free of charge. My mom watched the baby while I worked and tried my best to take care of my baby. About once a month I would take a Saturday and hang with friends, go out dancing or whatever might be fun that night. June 2001, I brought Caitlyn to my good friend's birthday party. That was the day I met David. We hit it off right away, he actually asked me to marry him that night. I of course refused, and thought he was insane. We were inseparable from then on, marrying two short months later on August 19, 2001 in Lake Tahoe, California. He was in the Marine Corps, so we moved on base at Camp Pendleton.

In 2003 we were sent to Parris Island, South Carolina. Quite a change from living in California my entire life!! It took some time to adjust, we met some cool friends, and met some crazies as well. Our son Wyatt Ashton was born July of 2004. Military life just was not working in our best interest, so David got out when his contract ended in August 2005. We then took our little family back to Southern California.

The saying rings true... you can never really go home again. After spending close to 3 years across the country, things just were not the same. We didn't really fit in anywhere in Southern California, so we packed up and drove to Sacramento, where David was raised. Again, we ran into the same problems. Our third child Baylee Rose was born October 2006 while once again living in Southern California.

Persuaded, we moved to a smallish town outside of Houston, Texas, called Katy. From the moment we pulled in the driveway of the house we are renting from David's dad, I decided I would hate this place. I tried to enjoy it here, tried to make friends here, but it just hasn't worked out for me. This caused some major arguments between David and myself. We had our worst year as a couple in 2007 because of my hatred towards Texas.

Finally giving in and realizing that David has all along just been doing what he feels is best for our family, we were able to get our relationship back on track. Our fourth child was a result of that. Peyton Rylie was born June 2008. Yesterday she turned 2 months old.

So that is my life in a nutshell... busy... chaotic... and 100% full of love. I get little sleep, and run off of an addiction to caffeine. My days consist of 2 children in diapers, an overactive 4 year old and a curious 8 year old. I stay home with my children while my husband works to keep us barely treading water. Most days are so humid I don't want to step foot outside the door. I have many friends that are scattered all over the US, but very few actually in Katy. Belonging to a tight-knit group of women who all had babies in June 2008 on the social website CafeMom helps keep my sanity in check.

Writing is my passion... I have been writing since I was young and have saved every single story ever written. My imagination is always in overdrive, so basically I would go crazy not having a way to express myself. So get ready to read the thoughts and confessions of a 27 year old stay at home wife/ mother of four!